One in Four…

Raising awareness about issues related to domestic & dating violence

Lucky February 20, 2012

I was directed to a blog* recently, to read a post about unwanted/undesired touching. The writer of the blog, Molly, was reflecting on a question asked on a health history form at her doctor’s office. On the form amid a list of items which you were expected to check if you had experienced, was this item: “ANY unwanted/undesired physical or sexual touching.” Molly almost skipped over the item not checking it, moving on. But she stopped to dwell on the statement and realized she had experienced plenty of unwanted/undesired physical or sexual touching in her life. She recalled moments such as:

  • being forcefully kissed in a club
  • having a person stand too close to her
  • feeling the pressure of hard penises against her as she maneuvered a club
  • people physically moving her rather than asking her to move
  • partners touching her sexually in ways they knew she didn’t like

All of these acts are things which you, just like Molly originally did, might be inclined to gloss over. Words like unwanted, undesired, and sexual when put together have come to mean rape, molestation, or sexual abuse.  If what a person has experienced does not fall into their idea of what rape, molestation or sexual abuse is, than as Molly says, you think “nothing has happened to me, really, right? I’m supposed to feel lucky, right, given that I’m a woman in a culture where horrible things very often happen to girls and women?” Where horrible things happen to boys and men too. You are inclined to write it off.  You have perhaps had bad experiences, but really you should be grateful because you did not have anything truly traumatic happen. You do not have a reason to check the box.

False.

Rape, molestation and sexual abuse are terrible things and no one should ever have to experience them. Perhaps you feel grateful that you have never experienced one of those events (if you haven’t) and I am not going to say that feeling is not natural or unjustified but I want us to consider where this feeling of gratefulness or relief or “luck” comes from.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines luck as “a force that brings good fortune or adversity,” “the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual,” and “favoring chance.” In these three definitions there is a complete lack of autonomy. Luck is driven by something a person has no control over. It’s a “force” or a “circumstance” or “chance.”  Which means you are just as likely to have good luck as you are to have bad luck. And that’s what people mean when they say lucky, right? You have good luck, as opposed to that person over there, who has bad luck. What Molly hints at, and what I believe, is that it is not okay that my personal safety, my body and my well-being are apparently left up to luck. And this social tendency to rank our experiences as “lucky” and “unlucky” have made us ignore our natural rights: the right to feel safe and to be a whole person.

A few years ago, I read Alice Sebold’s memoir about being raped. It is called Lucky.  Sebold was raped when she was a first year in college. Throughout her experience reporting the rape to pursuing charges to going through the trial for her rapist, she was told she was lucky many times. One reason she was deemed lucky is that the site where she was raped is the same site where another girl was murdered. Alice is therefore “lucky” because she was alive. I think this logic is problematic. There will always be a situation in which some point of experience will have been “worse” for someone else than it was for you. That does not make you “lucky.” Sebold did not feel lucky just because she was alive because she was living with the aftermath of being raped. Life shouldn’t be a competition where one person’s experience invalidates our own. Any moment in which you feel unsafe or uncomfortable is unacceptable. And our need to rank these invasions to our safety hierarchically only serves to silence, stigmatize, and prohibit change.

This need to rank experiences is an epidemic pervasive in our society. It is not just sexual assaults which are ranked, but everything. These rankings are accompanied by an unspoken meaning. Whose partner is cuter translates to who is a more worthy partner because the worthiest of course gets the most attractive. Whose class schedule is harder matters because the hardest schedule gets more of a right to complain when thing are bad, brag when grades are good, and make excuses when they do not meet other obligations. And then there are bigger problems the ones that go beyond person to person into individual to social. Such as I was touched inappropriately but it wasn’t rape so I shouldn’t say anything. My partner slapped me but there wasn’t a mark so it’s not really that bad. All of these justifications people make are unfair and invalidating. Society has built a hierarchy in which rape trumps a forced kiss and physical violence trumps intentional and repeated humiliation. It has been ingrained within us that if our experience is trumped than it is not worth mentioning. We are being whiny or over-reacting because in reality we are lucky, because nothing worse has happened.

I don’t want to live in that world. I don’t want to have to feel lucky when a bad thing happens just because something worse didn’t happen. That world stunts emotional growth. It causes individuals to minimize or deny their own feelings and to feel that they must accept the actions done to him/her. It causes us to overlook the basic, obvious truth: these bad things don’t have to happen. Committing violence is not innate behavior.  It is a learned behavior, which means it is something that people pick up in various ways through the socialization process. If we continue this “lucky” rhetoric, it implies that we, as a society cannot do anything to stop sexual violence. And we can.

One way we can start down that road is to stop buying into the hierarchies of experience. If a friend is telling you about a bad day, don’t cut them off to tell them how much worse yours was. If someone’s partner screamed at them and made them feel belittled, don’t brush it off and say “well, it could have been worse.” And conversely, remember that your feelings are valid. If whoever you share an experience with minimizes what to you was a significant event, go tell someone else. Find someone who will give you the support you deserve. Because you don’t need to feel “lucky.” If luck is the absence of assaults on our person, than why are we accepting anything less than everyone being lucky? Let’s stop accepting less. Remember: Your experiences are valid. Your emotions are important. And your safety matters. Don’t skip over the box just because the worst thing hasn’t happened to you.

What do you think?  Share your thoughts in the comment area below.

*The writer of the blog has asked that her blog not be linked.

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The Damaging Effects of Using “rape” As a Slang Word June 8, 2011

Recently in Ms. Magazine’s blog  a blog post examined the complacency with which people use the word rape. Many of us have heard friends, acquaintances, or even family members use the word rape in a positive or lighthearted manner. For example, I have heard people playing video games and saying something like, “I’m going to rape you at this!”  This is expression is careless and insensitive at best and cruel and violent at the worst.  As the blog post points out, this usage of the word rape would not be met with horrified silence or outrage but laughter.

We often become desensitized to the actual meaning of a word because it is used frivolously and often. Words such as gay, queer and retarded have become socially acceptable slang words, despite the harmful effects that has on individuals who identify as queer or who have mental or physical disabilities.   The word “rape” is following suit, being used in casual popular lexicon on a daily basis. For the victims of rape, their sexual assaults are often some of the most traumatic and heart wrenching experiences anyone could ever go through.  To use the same word describing their assaults synonymously with doing poorly on a test or defeating an opposing sporting team by a large margin is not only insensitive, it’s cruel.   Regardless of intention,  using the word  “rape” casually reinforces the idea that sexual assault is not an important enough crime or trauma to be taken seriously.

By continuing to use the word “rape” as a slang term, we lessen the impact of that word as well as cheapen victims’ experiences. Rape should not be something that we condone in any way and continuing to allow this usage is perpetuating the idea that our society is okay with rape and violence towards women.

Anyone can help put an end to this new trend by being an active bystander and speaking up about being uncomfortable when people use “rape” casually. For more information please call the Family Violence Prevention Center at (919)-929-7122

 

Rape: A Global Issue April 8, 2011

Nicholas Kristof, co-author of the esteemed book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity Worldwide and op-ed columnist for The New York Times, expressed his outrage at the recent death of Hena, a 14 year old Bangladeshi girl, in his op-ed piece “When a Girl Is Executed…for Being Raped.” The young girl died from complications caused by receiving seventy lashes as punishment for being raped by an older cousin. In his article Kristof briefly discusses the role of  imams and other cultural norms in the proceedings but states, “…this was a brutal attack on a helpless girl in the name of sharia and justice.”

When we in the United States hear of this and similar cases, it can be easy to adopt a somewhat distanced perspective based on the idea that we are “beyond” such brutality.  But we should remember that we too still struggle with our own rape culture. That 1 in 6 women in the US will be victims of sexual assault speaks to the overwhelming pervasiveness of that culture in society. Unfortunately, we have often seen the tendency toward victim blaming rather than questioning the violence, whether sexual or intimate partner,  itself. As Kristof states, “the crime lies not in being raped, but in raping.”

Thankfully we do not live in a society that kills or physically punishes rape victims but we should still take this opportunity to acknowledge the decrease in reported sexual assault cases and the improvements in handling rape that have been made in the past few decades but should perhaps also take note of how recently some of the changes have occurred.

For example, North Carolina did not do away with the spousal exemption in their rape laws until 1993. This means that until 1993 it was not recognized as a crime when a husband raped his wife. Even now that spousal rape is recognized as a crime, it is not uncommon for victims of spousal rape to have additional burdens in proving rape occurred in these particular situations. This signifies that the legal system may still be operating under a preconceived notion of the rarity of spousal rape and a general tendency toward victim blaming.

Our hearts go out to victims of rape worldwide. Like Kristof, we hope that their stories have not been in vain and that countries worldwide will soon reexamine their own ways of addressing rape.