One in Four…

Raising awareness about issues related to domestic & dating violence

Stage 1: New relationship red flags July 28, 2010

New to dating?  Or entering the dating scene for the first time in a while?  This page will teach you some red flags to watch out for.

Does your new crush:

  1. Want to spend so much time with you that you haven’t seen friends or family in a while?
  2. Blame all arguments and problems on you?
  3. Experience extreme mood swings?
  4. Suggest you dress or act in a certain way?
  5. Compare you to former partners?
  6. Drink to excess or use drugs?
  7. Have a history of trouble with the law, fighting, or destruction of property?
  8. Not work or go to school?
  9. Take money from you or take advantage of you in other ways?
  10. Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you?

Do you sometimes feel:

  1. …afraid to not see this person?
  2. …tied down like you need to check in?
  3. …embarrassed or controlled?
  4. …fearful about expressing your real feelings?
  5. …nervous because you aren’t sure how they are going to react to something?
  6. …anxious about making certain decisions or bringing up certain subjects?
  7. … a pounding or fluttering in your chest when s/he is displeased?
  8. …worried about how to keep your partner happy?
  9. …concerned or not trusted because he/she always keeps you guessing?
  10. …unsure where you stand with him/her?

Even (especially!) in the early stages of a new relationship, both people involved should feel heard and respected. Both people should also be putting an equal effort into making things work.  If one person is doing more than someone else, then the person on the receiving end of that attention has greater power in the relationship.  That’s not equal.  While not everyone on the receiving end of all that attention becomes abusive, it’s never good to have a continual imbalance of power in an intimate partner relationship.  At the very least, one person will usually end up feeling resentful, angry or unacknowledged.

Perhaps most important is to proceed slowly. Take time to see how your new person interacts with members of your family or friends. Does he isolate himself or prefer that you only speak to him? Notice how s/he speaks about his own family, friends, past partners or bosses.  What kind of language is being used?  Is it respectful, kind or critical,  sneering? Hold off on becoming intimate right away.  Is s/he okay with waiting a bit until you know each other better before going far or do you feel pressured to do more than you are comfortable with?  Watch how s/he acts around people he doesn’t know and authority figures.

One way to learn more about that new crush is to run a background check on him or her.  It’s not as cold as it sounds and has the potential to save a lot of heartache down the road.  While a thorough background check (including criminal history, former addresses, lawsuits, income, etc.) will generally run anywhere from $4-10, there are websites you can get information from for free.  Visit the North Carolina DOC Public Information Offender search site here.  This site will offer basic information (crime committed, sentence given, etc.) for anyone who has ever been an inmate, parolee or on probation in the State of North Carolina since 1972.  You can also check Intelius for free (go to
“People Search”) for former hometowns, age and known relative’s names

If you have more questions, call FVPC’s 24-hour hotline at 919-929-7122 or toll free at 866-929-7122 to talk to an advocate.

 

2 Responses to “Stage 1: New relationship red flags”

  1. This is the information that we need to have good relationships!

  2. I really love your blog. I used to be in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. He was never physical, but he knew how to hurt me in other ways. He matched 1-5, but wasn’t the typical guy you would expect to be that type of partner. He had a job, was successful in his career, was a charmer, never asked me for money, was strongly against alcohol/drugs, and would shower me with gifts/trips…but at the slightest moment or if I was unsure of our relationship, he would play the blame game. Say I was a horrible person, compare me with his ex. Humiliate me in front of his family and friends. Even started stalking me, towards the end. I was afraid he would show up at my work. It took me 4 yrs to realize the man I loved, needed help and he wouldn’t listen to me. I listened to my friends and family and got out. Sorry for the rant here, but I thought it was important for woman out there, who feel the way of your list, not to put up with it. You deserve better! There are so many wonderful people out there, and you don’t have to waste your time with being unhappy!


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