Holiday Closings December 23, 2011

Our office will be closed on Monday December 26 and Tuesday December 27 for the Christmas holiday.  We will re-open on Wednesday December 28 at 9:00 am.  We will also be closed on Monday January 2, re-opening on Tuesday January 3 at 9:00 am.  As always, our hotline is open 24/7/365 at 919 929 7122 for crisis counseling, shelter referrals, and other resources.

Giving thanks! December 21, 2011

2011 is drawing to a close and it feels like just the right time to give thanks to the folks who support our work. So, here’s just a few of some of those amazing friends-

• Our volunteers- Of course. 85-90% of client services are offered by volunteers, primarily trained Hotline Advocates but also by Spanish English interpreters.  Volunteers help clients with DVPOs, offer resources and referrals, crisis counseling 24/7/365, facilitate primary prevention programming like Start Strong and much more.  We would not be able to keep our doors open if it weren’t for them.  Literally.
• Orange County Sheriff’s Office–where would we be without these generous folks??  They speak at our new Hotline Advocate volunteer training sessions, answer questions all day from our advocates for clients, help our clients understand the DVPO process, respond to 911 calls from clients who need help and so much more!
• PORCH – PORCH supplies several local food pantries (including our small one) with non-perishable food items which allows those organizations to pass that food on to families and individuals in need.  PORCH gives us healthy staples like beans, applesauce, juice, cereal, pasta, tomato sauce, soup and more.  We are so grateful for this partnership.
• The Women’s Center- We refer clients to the good folks at TWC for attorney consults, therapy referrals and financial literacy programs. They also do resources and referrals for clients in need. They facilitate primary prevention programming as well at the middle school level with their Teens Climb High program.  Not our next door neighbor anymore but still close by when we need them!
• Our Twitter followers!- It may sound silly but these are the folks that help us spread the word about volunteer training, upcoming events, recent blog posts.  They ReTweet our tweets, attend events, talk us up and like us on Facebook.  What’s not to be grateful for?  These folks are true allies and fans.

There are so many more that we could name (how do we thank all of UNC-Chapel Hill for example?!) but we’ll stop here for now.  Whatever you do for us–donate a cell phone, read our blog, refer a client, etc. – we’re grateful.  Thanks for your support.  See you in 2012!

The secret no one wants to have December 9, 2011

PostSecret is a website many people enjoy visiting. It began as a blog that published anonymous secrets and has evolved into an internationally popular destination website with approximately 5 million viewers, a number of books, and a mobile app. While the concept has adapted to new technology, the premise is this: people send unsigned postcards to Germantown, Maryland where creator Frank Warren, then publishes the postcards on the PostSecret blog. Warren describe the blog as “an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.” It is a space to reveal the things you think about, or recognize, or are ashamed of. Things that you need to say out loud and have other people hear, but that you don’t feel you can or don’t choose to say to those around you. Each secret is accompanied by a picture to illustrate the secret. From flippant comments about facial hair, to more serious secrets about suicide, PostSecret has them all.

On Sunday, November 27′s blog post, 17 new postcards were posted. Among them were two postcards bearing the picture of a black eye. One, a postcard of a girl doll with a colored in green and yellow circle around her eye reads: “I would rather be hit than ignored. I know how bad that sounds. I needed to tell you.” The other, is a black and white image of the upper quarter of a face. A blue, green, and black mark is colored in under the eye. A voice bubble over the eyebrow reads: “I don’t know how to leave him.”

There are a number of disturbing factors to these postcards. An obvious one is that two more people are being abused. Two more people feel trapped in their situation. But what I would like to focus on is where these postcards ended up. On an anonymous secrets blog. The only action these two survivors felt comfortable with, was to acknowledge their abuse to an unknown mass in complete anonymity. Their abuse is the big secret they cannot reveal, yet must speak.

Why abused people stay in a harmful relationship is one of the most common questions related to intimate partner violence.  Many people might insist that they would never stand for abuse in a relationship.  Unfortunately in that statement is an inherent disconnection from potential sympathy for someone who is in a bad place and needs help. Abusive relationships come in every shape and size and effect every type of person. They can affect anyone at any time.  No one wants to see themselves as a victim of abuse. No one pictures themselves becoming an abuse victim.

There are many practical reasons a person might stay in an abusive relationship: fear, presence of children, economic barriers, religion, etc. but also common are reasons which can stem from internalized beliefs about how men and women exist in society i.e. a feeling that they need a partner to complete them, a belief they did something to deserve the abuse or can do something to change it, shame over their partner’s behavior and their own powerless to stop it.

It is these societally influenced reasons that, I believe, led to the two above mentioned postcards.  The postcard that read “I would rather be hit than ignored,” could point to a belief that we sometimes hear from female clients that they feel incomplete without a partner. This message is reinforced to women all the time through media, even friends and family.  Such as when the first question a relative asks upon seeing you is if you have a partner, the barrage of romantic movies, or the overwhelming amount of beauty/fashion/sex tips geared towards women so they can “find a man”. These  messages inundate the subconscious with the belief that women need men to be complete.  Add to this toxic mix a partner who reinforces this idea (“who else would be with you?” or “who else would love you/take care of your kids?” ) and/or subscribes to very firm ideas of male/female roles in relationships and it can be easy to see how victims can feel trapped.

The second sentence of that same postcard, “I know how bad that sounds,” is a recognition of the judgment that exists in the question “why do they stay?“. Abused individuals might have even previously said those things. By acknowledging that it “sounds bad” to stay with an abusive partner, the individual illustrates how she is torn between having a partner and being abused. Conversely, while intimate partner violence (IPV) myths (“not to people like me”) abound and an “us/them” divide exists, society simultaneously shames these women for being in the position which they were socialized into.  Social psychology explains that by marking someone as a “they,” people create  a divide which is hard to cross. When we create division over one aspect, such as whether a person has been abused or not,  we prevent unity on a range of other traits. This means we prevent change from happening, from help being extended.

The other postcard reads: “I don’t know how to leave him.” The fact that this individual doesn’t know how to leave her abuser strikes me as emblematic of another social problem: a lack of education about community resources and IPV. As noted by this blog’s title, one in four women will experience domestic violence be abused in her lifetime. When you consider the people effected by abuse besides the victim/survivor.  IPV is likely to affect everyone in some way in their his/her lifetime. The work done by organizations such as ours and partners like law enforcement and the judicial system is just not enough to increase public awareness of interpersonal violence. We believe that IPV is a community issue and requires a community response.  That means churches, schools, universities and places of business all need to get on board with helping build greater awareness about the prevalence of this issue and what can be done to help those in need.

Start with you!  Here are a few things that you can do right now. Learn some tips to be an effective ally, have your work or church host a cell phone drive, or volunteer at FVPC. These postcards exist because of all of us. We live in a world that labels abuse as something we cannot speak about. As long as an abuse victim feels this, they will be silent. Their silence and pain is all of ours. We all have work to do.

Time to Talk Day! December 8, 2011

Stephanie Piston is a survivor of domestic abuse. Since leaving an abusive relationship 17 years ago, she has become active in the community, spreading awareness and speaking out against domestic violence and its effects on victims. For the last several years, Piston has acted as the New York state action leader for the Love is Not Abuse (LINA), an initiative of Liz Claiborne, Inc. LINA’s primary goal is to educate preteens and teenagers about domestic abuse through curriculums enacted in their schools; however, they have also created “It’s Time to Talk Day”, which will be held today, Thursday December 8^th.

It’s Time to Talk Day is intended to highlight the importance of all sectors becoming involved in domestic violence-related issues. This includes government leaders, the media, the non-profit sector, as well as the private sector.  On December 8^th, Piston will join other LINA state action leaders and members of similar organizations to discuss the subject of domestic abuse. They will be joined by domestic violence experts, state and federal attorney generals, corporate leaders, legislators, celebrities, parents and teens at Liz Claiborne Inc. in New York City. All members will participate in a national day of discussion and awareness on domestic violence. This includes both a national dialogue as well as discussions between parents and teenagers. Piston hopes that the day will present an opportunity to bring the conversation to light and open discussion between parents and their children.

While It’s Time to Talk Day presents a much-needed opportunity to bring light to the subject of domestic violence, abuse won’t stop when the holiday is over.  When so many victims suffer in silence, we should look for opportunities every day to encourage people to talk about interpersonal violence. What can we do to spread the energy and enthusiasm of It’s Time to Talk Day throughout the entire year?

Sexual and gender-based taunts: the new wave of bullying December 7, 2011

Sexual double standards are alive and thriving, and now starting even younger than we would care to think. On November 11, Ashlynn Connor, a young girl from Illinois, committed suicide.  According to her mother Ashlynn was bullied for the previous two years. One of the preferred taunts by bullies was to call Ashlynn, age 10, a slut.

According to an article on LiveScience “slutbashing” has become a popular form of bullying for teens and tweens. Maureen McHugh a psychologist who spoke to LiveScience, defined slutbashing as labeling others as promiscuous or dirty. In the article, McHugh discusses how sexuality can be a sensitive and vulnerable subject for this age group as they are coming to terms with their sexuality. Labeling one another with terms such as “slut” and “whore” show the infiltration of sexual double standards into a younger audience. This double standard is the same which glorifies guys who have sex and shames girls who do. It is a tight rope without strict definitions; a girl must be sexual, but not too sexual. Faltering from this fine line often leads to being bullied and harassed.

While bullying is not done solely with sexual and gender-based insults, it is common. Teens that are homosexual are bullied three times as much as heterosexual students. Research into the topic shows that it is not so much the identity that kids have problems with, but the transgression of gender roles. During this time of development, tweens/teens are heavily policing one another in terms of gender and sexual identity. But the bullying is not kept to only nonconforming students. In a national study of 2,000 7-12 grade students, 48% reported they had been sexually harassed in the 2010-2011 school year.

Using sexual taunts and identity based insults as tools for bullying has potentially dangerous consequences. In the same national study, of the people who reported sexual harassment, 87% said it negatively affected them and between 25-37% said it made them not want to go to school.  Bullying is not a personal issue felt by the person being bullied. It is systemic and dangerous. And not only because of the risk of suicide. Kids who are bullied are less likely to perform to their highest ability in school and can have physical and emotional difficulties.

Ashlynn Connor is only the most recent in a string of teen suicides caused by bullying. In FVPC’s primary prevention program, Start Strong, volunteers go into middle school classrooms to discuss the topics of bullying and relationships. In the discussion of bullying, identity-based insults are covered specifically. An identity based insult is when a person takes a piece of someone’s identity to use as a put down. Volunteers discuss specifically how calling someone/thing “gay” and how calling someone a girl is problematic. Anytime someone attacks a fundamental part of you, which you cannot change, it creates tension and shame – two things one should never feel about being yourself.

Kids imitate what they see performed for them. When watching television, or talking with a tween/teen, make sure you are promoting healthy and positive examples. If there is bullying on a show you are watching, take a minute to talk about it. If you are prone to using gendered or identity based insults (like “gay” “retarded” or “queer”), think about how someone you care for might be hurt by their use.  If you hear someone else using them, talk to them about it. Bullying, like domestic violence, is a learned behavior, which means that the kids who are bullying today first saw someone else do it and get away with it.  Break the cycle.

iGive: Shop Till You Drop! December 2, 2011

As we continue into the holiday season, online shopping might be on your mind. As you are shopping to find that perfect gift for someone you care about, why not give back to FVPC too? With iGive you can do that! iGive is a website that donates to your favorite cause every time you shop online at over 900 stores such as Amazon, Barnes&Noble, Best Buy, Gap, and Eddie Bauer. Simply go to iGive before you start shopping, and up to 26% of your purchase cost will be donated to FVPC. Here’s how:

1)Go to iGive and register

2) Choose Family Violence Prevention Center of Orange County as your favorite cause.

3) Online shop as you normally would through the iGive site.

After registering, ANY time you do online shopping, simple go to iGive first and proceeds will come to FVPC.

Register now and a $5 donation will be made to FVPC simply for you signing up! This initial 5 minute free registration, and additional 30 seconds to each online shopping trip will help FVPC continue their support of domestic violence victims in Orange County.

Please take the time to show your support for FVPC and the work that we do.

Volunteer Spotlight: Tora Taylor Glover December 1, 2011

With Thanksgiving having just passed, all of us at FVPC are thankful for the continued support of our community and most importantly the hard work of our volunteers. FVPC provides numerous invaluable services to residents of Orange County, NC. Services include but are not limited to a 24 hour crisis hotline, support groups, childcare, safety planning and legal advocacy. With limited staff members we rely heavily on the energy and dedication of our volunteers.  This month we are highlighting Tora Taylor Glover and the great work she does for us. 

How long have you been volunteering?
I have been volunteering as an Overnight Hotline Advocate since 2009.  I continued this role until 2010 when I became a Social Work intern.  Since the completion of my internship, I still volunteer with the agency, usually as a Staff Backup to other Overnight Hotline Advocates.

How did you learn about FVPC?
I learned about FVPC through an email I received from the Women’s Center.  I had been looking for a place to volunteer with flexibility since I was taking classes and working full time.  At the bottom of the page, I saw the training announcement for FVPC and decided to complete an application.  Since I was planning to pursue my MSW, I wanted to gain more experience in working directly with clients and truly feel like I was making a difference.  FVPC fulfilled all those needs and more!

Why do you volunteer?
I volunteer because I truly believe in the services the agency provides.  Domestic Violence and other types of interpersonal conflicts continue to occur at alarming rates within the community.  Without agencies like FVPC, many of those affected would not have the support needed to find resources that could possibly help their situations.  These service are valuable.  Most of all, I volunteer because I believe it is my duty to give back to the community and those in need.

What have you learned about yourself or others by volunteering here?
I have learned many lessons about myself volunteering at FVPC, but none more important than realizing that even though I am one person, I can make a small difference in someone’s life through just providing support.  Many times clients just need someone to listen to them and validate what they are going through.  Knowing that I have the skills to provide support through active listening has confirmed for me that working in social work is where I belong.

In regards to others, I have learned that DV and other types of interpersonal conflict affects everyone.  It does not have a race, class, gender, or religion.  It can happen to anyone, whether they are a victim/survivor themselves or through knowing someone that is a victim/survivor.

What happens next for you?
I graduate with my MSW in May 2012. After graduation, I plan to gain employment in the human services field and start working towards obtaining my License in Clinical Social Work (LCSW).

What would you tell prospective volunteers?
I would tell prospective volunteers to be aware of any personal biases they have surrounding the population so those biases do not interfere in their work with clients.  Continue to gain education on the population and ask questions.  Most importantly, take care of themselves as they work with clients.  They will not be helpful to clients if they are not practicing good self care.

Thank You for all you do, Tora!